Selling Your Toddler (and other insane thoughts)

I think we may be in trouble. It seems that my once loving and content baby has evolved into a troublesome toddler. Gone are the days of blissful play and carefree giggles. Now he’s only happy when he’s hiding DUPLO in the washer or drawing on the walls. Unless it’s just a phase*, it appears the terrible two’s have been kind enough to grace us with their presence a whole eight months early! *God I hope it’s a phase!

So yesterday, after several rather testing episodes, I got to thinking. What exactly can you do if the terrible two’s arrive early? Surely selling your toddler isn’t an option….is it? 

1. Drink Wine (or anything alcoholic) – If you already drink wine the only thing to do is to drink more wine. As a very wise someecard once said: 

The Terrible Twos - What exactly can you do if the terrible two's arrive early? Surely selling your toddler isn't an it? 

2. Abandon them at Soft Play – Ever thought about sticking them in the ball pool and doing a runner? Yeh me neither!

3. Call the Hospital to Check they weren’t Switched at Birth – You see it in movies surely shit like that goes on in real life?

4. Sell them on eBay – People sell all kinds of crap on eBay. Someone paid over $40,000 for Justin Bieber’s hair! I’m pretty sure I could at least get a couple of grand for a kid who’s almost sleep trained!

5. Sell them on the Black Market – At least you have a backup if eBay fails.

6. Leave them on the Church Steps – Again something I’ve seen in movies. Just make sure your child isn’t old enough to know where they live. There’s nothing worse than having to explain your parenting techniques to a Vicar. 

7. Rent them out to Schools to Prevent Teenage Pregnancy – Forget about those ridiculous dolls. Leaving a toddler with a group of teenagers will put them off sex until they’re at least 40


Truth be told, once the terrible twos arrive there’s not very much you can do. It’s a rite of passage for all parents and while the public humiliation might be enough to make you consider any of the above, try to find humour in the situation. Grin and bear it, pull out your phone and plot your revenge. You may be cringing now but their colossal meltdown will make for pretty amusing viewing in their teenage years, not to mention their wedding video montage!


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The Terrible Twos - What exactly can you do if the terrible two's arrive early? Surely selling your toddler isn't an it? 

1 Comment

  1. June 18, 2017 / 2:57 pm

    Haha, love this! Definitely not a good idea to leave a child old enough to find their way home on the church steps though. eBay all the way for those ones!
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂

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