When you become a parent your life changes forever. It’s something which happens almost overnight that nothing can really prepare you for. What used to be the simplest of tasks now becomes near on impossible. You find yourself living in a world where you must orchestrate even a trip to ASDA with military precision. If you could, you’d hunt your pre-baby self-down and punch her right in the tit! How dare she think her life is hard, does she even know the meaning of the word tired? You see there are a lot of things which people without children take for granted!
I’ll begin with some of the more obvious ones:
- Peeing/pooping/showering alone –
It’s common knowledge that kids have to come everywhere with you. The one time you do manage to escape to the loo alone, undoubtedly they’ll find something hard to face plant!
- Eating hot food/drinking hot drinks –
Did you know that children are born with heat sensors. If your coffee is cold they couldn’t give a hoot however try sitting down to enjoy a hot beverage. Before you know it there’ll be little chubby hands coming at you from all angles!
- Uninterrupted sleep –
This one may seem pretty obvious. However until someone wakes you up every two hours, places a wailing new born on your boob and tells you that if you fall asleep while breast feeding YOUR BABY WILL DIE, you can’t possibly understand.
- Spontaneous outings –
When your life revolves around your toddlers nap time all spontaneity goes out the window.
- Lazy Sundays –
Remember those afternoons spent lounging around, catching up on soaps, maybe even reading a book? Those days are gone, there dead! Now your Sundays are spent desperately trying to distract the child from poking his finger in the plug socket or licking the skirting board!
Now for the ones which I didn’t pre-empt:
- Nipping places –
When it takes you 20 minutes to ram a rigid toddler into a car seat there’s no way in hell your nipping anywhere!
- Having a handbag –
In order to execute a faultless outing, it is a requirement (by the unwritten rule of how not to be a shitty parent) that you must pack half of your pissin house, thus planning for every eventuality! No one is going to fit all that shit in a handbag, so you buy the largest nappy bag available and start only carrying your purse.
- Going to a public bathroom –
Public toilets are not made for parents with prams and surprisingly not all baby changing facilities have toilets in them. Leaving you with no other option than to use the disabled toilet, which in my experience are not always the cleanest.
- Getting ready –
You spend 90% of your time taking care of your demanding offspring, date night rolls round and you can almost smell the freedom! However before the babysitter arrives and you run for the hills, you have the arduous task of getting ready…while supervising the delinquents!
- Using Escalators –
As if life wasn’t hard enough! Now you’re expected to join the long queue of desperate parents, all sporting the same look of anguish, as you wait to be transported from one floor to another.
You can keep up to date with all the latest posts via Bloglovin.